English Bulldogs are Better Than Your Preferred Pet

So, I’m glad to say that after devoting my life to objective scientific research, that I have determined unequivocally that English Bulldogs are the best type of pet you can have in your life.

Hello Mister Friend
Hello Mister Friend

You see there are countless species and breeds of pets you can choose from, but my fully sourced and cited research has proven that other pets such as “cat” and “turtle” and “child” are objectively less fuzzy and wonderful as the English Bulldog.

The English Bulldog I used for my study is Mr. Buttons, and he is an exemplar of his species. He’ll bite a fool if they don’t show him respect. He is able to hold his bladder/bowels until you get home. He will give you kissies all over your head for dozens of minutes. Also his heart is full to bursting with love.

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You’ll want to give me that plate of bacon, please.

Most of my life I’ve been a strong advocate of Boston Terriers, and I’ve seen some excellent examples of Australian Shepherds, Lizards and Three-Toed Sloths. However, when you need that perfect balance of soft fur, warm kisses, unconditional love, and loud rhythmic snoring, then an English Bulldog can’t be beat.

The reason this species is being highlighted on this particular website is that it is most ideal for gamers. You see, our research subject sleeps about sixteen hours a day. Want to play your game without a cat on your laptop, a Jack Russell trying to do your taxes or a baby human screaming for survival goods? An EB will sleep under your desk until you want to play with the squeak toy or the tug-a-rope. When you’re ready to play, it’s GO TIME, make no mistake.

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Fashion Icon

Again, this is not my opinion. This website only communicates verifiable and undeniable evidence. Your local library will have the thousands of texts used to arrive at this determination, and if you disagree, feel free to do your own research and just try to prove me wrong.

You can’t.

Self Evident
Self Evident Superiority

 

God I’m Playing Civ Again

If you were unfortunate to visit the site over the weekend, you probably noticed a very boring and long (four hours straight) sessions of Civilization V: Brave New World.

There is not better representation of digital heroin than Civilization V. It’s not healthy. It’s not good for you. It’s just addictive. And it’ll ruin your life, but you just want… one… more… turn.

I’m working my way through the Steam Achievements (I’m at 49%) and I’m not going to be happy until I crack that 50% mark… but who am I kidding? When will it stop? It might not until I get all 100%! Which is impossible, because the Sun will expire of heat death (after its Red Giant and White Dwarf phases) to actually play that many games.

You see, a Normal game set on normal difficulty with normal map on normal game speed takes roughly 8 hours to complete. Eight. Hours.

So buckle up and grab your Cheerwine because you’re going to be here a while. You start off in the Stone Age. Literally founding a village in a world filled with masochistic barbarians and backstabbing AI opponents.

Which really gets to the one thing that the game doesn’t get right. You can’t make the AI happy. I’m convinced you can’t do it. Be nice to them, and they take you like a chump. Treat them the way they treat you and the world will condemn you as a tyrant and a monster.

I can’t tell you how often I start a game thinking “This will be the time I do a science victory and leave these chumps behind!” only to get denounced by Katherine the Great and decide that it would be better to kick some Russian teeth in.

Which brings me to the next point, you already hate RNG? Stay the hell away from this game. Nothing is more grating than going with Genghis Khan with the awesome Mongolian horsemen only to be plopped in a desert tile with no horses anywhere in a hundred tiles. Meanwhile Queen Elizabeth is mowing down your swordsmen with longbowmen while sitting on twenty horses she’s not even using.

GRARRR!

Which for whatever reason is why I love this game. I love overcoming adversity and figuring out solutions to problems and resource shortfalls.

Unless I get wiped out by a turn five barbarian invasion.

Screw you barbarians.

Are You Playing: Mario Kart 8

Mario Kart 8 is a arcade racing game featuring all of your favorite Mario-universe characters, with a splash of Zelda and Animal Crossing if you’re willing to pay for DLC. This is the 8th edition of this popular franchise.

For all the faults and deficiencies that the Nintendo Wii U may have, Mario Kart 8 is not one of them. Rendered in thoughtfully designed 1080p, you and up to three of your friends can experience the couch-crushing fun you’ve enjoyed since the SNES.

The clever part of recent Mario Kart games has been the incorporation and updating of classic Mario Kart courses sprinkled in amongst the new maps. Gone are gimmicks like Double Dash, and in its place is a surprisingly deep level of customization and and preference for your “kart”. Kart is such a deeply inadequate word, because there is a massive variety of vehicles, including scooters, motorcycles, F-Zero racers and flame belching trikes.

This level of customization is equaled by the level of detail that has been woven into the courses. It is most obvious when you’re piddling around the 50cc races trying to get freebee coins for kart mod unlocks. However, once you unleash the hell that is 200cc, you’ll be treated to an eye-watering blur of insanity on the level of the awesome GameCube F-Zero GX.

Enjoy falling off one of the three Star Roads chump.

I’m loving this game, and I’d be willing to pit my meager skills against you, if you’re brave enough. So how about it, are you playing Mario Kart 8? Leave a comment below!

For now, here’s a video of me crushing my wife as Shy Guy:

Favorite Hero: Zeratul

The one thing I’ve learned in my first real MOBA experience is that there are heroes you love to play, and heroes you have to play. Zeratul is deeply in the love to play camp.

Although Hammer was my first 20, and will always carry a special place in my heart, Zeratul is more often the counter that my team needs to shut down the latest spate of high-damage assassins that can wreck your shit if left unchecked.

There’s something to be said for Nova and her ranged attacks, but when I need stealth I’m going with the Protoss with the mostoss. The trick is that his greatest enemy is ironically Tassadar. If the opposing team takes Tass, avoid Nova and Zeratul like the plague. Or, if you’re blind cued, but change lanes.

If they can see you coming, you’re dead.

The ability that separates the good Zeratuls from the baddies is blink. Learn to blink and you will learn to win. The most important thing you can do is not die. Silences will be an issue too, so screw Sylvanas and her over-powered kit.

This hopefully goes without saying, but never. Ever. Engage with blink. You want that off cooldown for when the other team rolls in. Your role in team fights is to pick off anyone whose health gets too low, so be prepared for your team to whine about you not dying with them when they get overwhelmed. You fight as long as you can, then you get the hell out of dodge.

It’s a delicate balance, but you’ll figure it out. Hone your instincts, and embrace the void.

RascalCast shamelessly embraces gamers, offering a safe haven to discuss and share our love for video games.